


Bananas

by Mugwumpo



Category: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005), Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-25 22:31:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13222563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mugwumpo/pseuds/Mugwumpo
Summary: No plot whatsoever. I wanted to write something for Harry Potter and this came out.





	Bananas

Trillian stopped looking at her own arse and started looking at Arthur’s. It seemed rounder in space; Arthur had developed an addiction to any drink other than tea that the kitchen created, and it normally contained an inordinate amount of sugar. Beyond that, his bulbous behind was likely the result of space-toast and some kind of snowflake jam that he’d picked up on Beetlejuice the last time they’d visited Ford. He was definitely adjusting to space life, arse the exception, and had even changed out of his bathrobe. She suddenly stopped her arse-looking when she realised they were being chased by a Vogon Construction Vessel that had decided they only had clearance A-3452-G-RFWEF-312-53532 and not A-3452-G-RFWEF-312-53532-B as they should, and looked at Arthur.

 

“Should we engage the Improbability Drive?”

 

“Er, well, we could, but why are you asking me?”

 

“Sometimes, Arthur, it just seems like the thing to do,” she replied, pressing the giant button. Arthur stared at his space-wife (he had no clue if their marriage would be legal on Second Earth), and wondered what on Earth she was on about. He didn’t have time to muse further, though, as he was suddenly jolted out of his chair and across the room. He landed with a soft _thud,_ and then just as suddenly seemed to be standing, although he couldn’t tell if he was actually standing _on_ something or just floating; he felt like he was suspended in mid-air, and all he could tell was that his head seemed to be above his feet. But he didn’t have feet, he discovered as he looked down.

 

“Er, Trillian?” 

 

“Yes Arthur?”

 

“What are we?”

 

“I don’t know, Arthur.”

 

“The Improbability Drive has made us….”

 

“I smell something funny,” Marvin interrupted. “It’s probably because life stinks and the universe is rotten.”

 

“Yeah, I know,” Trillian replied, rolling her eyes. She stopped for a moment and sniffed the air. Well, she supposed she sniffed the air, but she didn’t appear to have a nose. She wondered if one _could_ sniff the air without a nose; somehow she just _knew_ the air smelt funny. Odd. Porky, almost like sausages. Old Earth sausages, Richmond from Tesco. But not quite.

 

“Hot dogs!” Arthur suddenly gasped. “I appear to be…a hot dog.”

 

“That’s why I can’t see you,” Trillian replied. “But how are we communicating?”

 

“Ah, they finally got it,” Marvin sighed monotonously. “Not that they thank me or anything.”

 

“But why hot dogs?”

 

“Why _not_ hot dogs?” Trillian answered, just before she turned magically back into the raven haired Earth-woman she normally was. 

 

"I think I actually see your point," Arthur replied as he too turned back into himself, or at least the version of himself that he was most familiar with. "And that scares me."

 

"Well I think that calls for a cup of tea, don't you?" 

 

"Always," Arthur said with uncertainty. Trillian had been rationing his tea (or what the machine thing called tea) intake because it always seemed to be very sweet and therefore likely unhealthy, so he was surprised that she seemed to be offering a cup of something or other out of the blue.

 

"Right then, off you go," she motioned to the kitchen. "Go make your tea."

 

"Oh-ok then, I will," Arthur said confidently, walking towards the kitchen.

 

"Nice arse."

 

"What was that, honey?"

 

"Nothing, Arthur. I was just...talking to Marvin, wasn't I Marvin? Let's get that tea now, come on, chop chop!" 

 

Marvin started to follow them but then stopped.

 

"Nobody ever says I have a nice arse, do they? It's probably not true, that's why. I bet I have a horrible arse, it's a shame I can't see it. Oh well."

Trillian poked her head around the corner. "That goes for you too, Marvin!"

Marvin almost smiled, but then he caught himself as he realised that to smile was to show happiness, and he wasn't happy. He grimaced slightly, walking towards the kitchen.

"Your comment has made me less unhappy; Congratulations."

"That's nice, Marvin," Trillian sighed. She was looking at Arthur as he made his tea, and suddenly a yellow-green banana dropped down from the ceiling onto the floor. A message was wrapped around it using a rubber band, and Arthur hesitantly moved to pick it up. He gingerly touched the banana, and removed the message.

"It's from Beeblebrox," he started. "He has developed this new invention - the communicana, and wants the Heart of Gold to pull a giant banner across the Universe promoting it."

"That sounds absolutely terrible," Marvin shook his head.

"It sounds...like Beeblebrox," Trillian replied, and took the message from Arthur. "So Beeblebrox thinks he has invented the banana?"

"I suppose so," Arthur said, examining the banana for any sign of being space-y or unusual. It appeared to be a perfectly normal unripe banana. "What else does it say?"

"Just that he hopes we enjoyed our trip to visit Ford, and that he might drop in on us sometime next lifetime."

"Next...lifetime. Sure. I understand," Arthur replied sarcastically, taking his steaming mug of not-tea to his newly acquired 'antique' recliner that happened to be sat opposite a television set borrowed from Second Earth. He sipped his tea, grimacing. "Horrible."

Trillian watched as he took a second sip, then a third, then a fourth that was more akin to a gulp. "Yeah, looks it."

"I bet it is revolting, all drinks are," Marvin said with a shake of his head. "All things are, actually. Not that I can drink anything anyway."

He looked around, but Trillian and Arthur never responded. They were both glued to that box-thing, watching something called Doctor Who.

"How silly," he whispered quietly. "That show is so unrealistic." 

With that, Marvin unceremoniously plonked himself down on the floor, not willing to watch the box-thing but also unwilling to be alone. He'd actually found two people that he...found he could cope with, and he didn't want to lose them. He looked up as the Doctor person ran away from a robot-thing, and sighed.

"SO silly."


End file.
